I Am Anxious... Christopher Zara
The author and editor talks anxiety symptoms, public speaking, and his debut memoir Uneducated.
Christopher Zara is a a senior editor at Fast Company, where he run the news desk, and the author of Uneducated, a memoir from Little, Brown and Company about navigating the professional world without a college degree.
His debut memoir Uneducated: A Memoir of Flunking Out, Falling Apart, and Finding My Worth is available now wherever books are sold.
“The book tells a highly personal story about the education divide and the stigma of being degreeless in a 21st-century knowledge economy. I retrace my ill-fated journey through an overcrowded public-school system; getting classified as “emotionally disturbed”; ejected in 11th grade; being trapped in low-wage service jobs throughout my 20s and 30s; landing a lucky break in journalism; and finally my years-long struggle to assimilate as a high-school dropout in the elite world of New York City media.”
You can find him on Instagram, Twitter, and on his website.
How long have you been an anxious person?
Oh god, probably from the beginning. My childhood was basically a montage of adults asking me why I was so quiet, or people sarcastically saying, “You talk too much.” It stopped being funny after the first time. Actually, it was never funny.
What is your earliest memory of being anxious?
I’m not sure if this is the earliest, but I have a distinct memory of writing a story for third grade when I was eight years old. It was about a kid who kicks a football to the moon—literary gold. When I went to read it in front of the class, my mind went blank and suddenly none of the words made sense. I completely froze. I didn’t have the language yet to understand why my body wouldn’t cooperate with what I actually wanted to do, which was wow the audience with my masterpiece.
Have you ever experienced a panic attack?
Yes, a few of them. Weirdly, they happen at random times when I'm not even especially nervous. My heart just pounds out of my chest.
What are some of your anxiety triggers? What makes you most anxious?
Public speaking is a big one, but I'm also not a big fan of talking in small groups or meetings. Even one-on-one interviews can trigger anxiety. I'm a journalist, so I have to do all of these things, of course, but it's a challenge.
How do you feel physically and emotionally when you’re anxious?
The pounding-heart thing is probably my most bothersome symptom. It takes so little to get my heart rate up, and once it starts, there's not a whole lot to be done. Emotionally, my mind often goes blank, which is rather inconvenient when you're trying to be witty.
What do you do when you feel anxious? How do you take care of yourself in those situations? Do you have any anxiety management tips or tricks?
I take a really low-dose beta-blocker. Years ago, I had a doctor who told me they help with performance anxiety and that a lot of classical musicians use them, and whatnot. They apparently don't help everyone, but they work pretty well for me because half my problem is just irrationally feeling like I'm being judged, especially under the harsh lights of an office.
How do you feel your anxiety affects your family, friends, and overall social life?
One of my biggest regrets is that I haven't kept up more deep friendships over the years. I love people. I love socializing. But it's a challenge, and as an introvert, you learn to drink alone time like water in a desert. Sorry if I just went full tiny-violin on that one.
When you're not feeling anxious (simply in your day-to-day life), what do you do for self care?
I love a nice gin and tonic. It's always 4:30 somewhere.
How do you feel about the portrayal of mental health and anxiety in Pop Culture (books, movies, music, etc)? Do you feel it's accurate?
That's an interesting question. I honestly haven't thought about it that much. I recall being a kid and gravitating toward movies like The Odd Couple, where Jack Lemmon plays Felix Ungar as this neurotic worrywart who can't get out of his own head. I related to that as a kid, and yet I didn't really think about the fact that the movie opens with Felix contemplating suicide. It's played for laughs, like John Cusack in Better Off Dead. I don't know if these depictions are especially healthy, but in a weird way they helped me cope.
What are some of your favorite examples of Pop Culture that gets anxiety and mental health right?
If we're doing this question like the word-association game, I immediately go to the song "Michael in the Bathroom" from the musical Be More Chill. It's about this high school kid who spends the biggest party of the year in the bathroom because he can't face his fear of socializing. It's melodic and airy but then builds to this really intense crescendo, only to get quiet again as the kid splashes some water on his face and realizes that this intensity is all in his head. It's the perfect musical depiction of the cycles we go through with anxiety. Plus, George Salazar, who originated the role of Michael on Broadway, sings the hell out of it.
What is the best advice you've ever received?
Never take anything for granted. An old boss said that to me when I first started working as an editor. Assume everything is wrong. It's served me well.
Editor’s Note: This interview was edited slightly for length and clarity.
Thank you so much to Christopher for participating in the I Am Anxious… questionnaire. I found Uneducated poignant, inspiring, and often downright hilarious. Highly recommended reading! Thanks again, Christopher!
If you are interested in being a part of the newsletter in the coming weeks and taking the I Am Anxious… questionnaire, please email me (scott.neumyer@gmail.com) and I’ll get you on the list! I’d love to have you.
Be well and keep talking.
DISCLAIMER: I am, by no means, a medical profession. If you need help, please seek qualified medical attention. This newsletter, while informative and fun, is no substitute for the real thing.