I Am Anxious... Emily Layden
The screenwriter and author discusses growing up anxious, her "spaghetti brain," and how exercise and having a routine has helped her "maintain a sense of calm."
Emily Layden is a screenwriter and the author of the novels All Girls and Once More From the Top. A graduate of Stanford University, her writing has been published in the New York Times, Marie Claire, Runner's World, and Town & Country. She lives in upstate New York.
Her second novel, Once More From the Top, is out now from Mariner Books.
You can find her on Instagram and on her website.
How long have you been an anxious person?
I think I've struggled with anxiety my entire life, but we didn't have the language for it when I was a kid in the ‘90s and early aughts. Back then I was "nervous"; I "worried"; I was "a little intense."
As a writer, words matter to me, and finally giving the thing an accurate name was a critical turning point in my relationship to my mental health.
What is your earliest memory of being anxious?
I was a serious athlete in high school and I felt a LOT of pressure around my performance - to the point where I would often vomit (or stand over a garbage can dry heaving) before games. Looking back, I feel a lot of empathy for that girl who simply didn't understand what was happening in her brain and body.
What are some of your anxiety triggers? What makes you most anxious?
I have all kinds of low- or medium-level triggers (crowds, having to wait in long lines, social media, overstimulation, certain foods), but the biggest sources of my anxiety are painfully straightforward and yet also wildly nebulous and unwieldy: Uncertainty, or a lack of control over a situation and/or its outcomes.
How do you feel physically and emotionally when you’re anxious?
I often describe my anxiety as "spaghetti brain": I picture a pound of freshly-cooked spaghetti slipping around in a wet colander, and that's what my brain is like when I'm anxious. I can't focus; I feel overstimulated and exhausted at once; my vision seems untrained, like I can't direct my eyeballs. I feel, in short, as if I am not in control of my own body.
What do you do when you feel anxious? How do you take care of yourself in those situations? Do you have any anxiety management tips or tricks?
In my experience, not all anxiety is created equal - the anxiety I might experience in a really crowded grocery store, for example, is different than the anxiety I might feel about how my book is going to sell - and different types of anxiety respond to different coping strategies. I think that managing my anxiety is all about building out a toolkit of techniques I can use and knowing when to reach for which. I'm still working on this!
How do you feel your anxiety affects your family, friends, and overall social life?
This is one of the hardest things for me: I am anxious about my anxiety. I worry that the behavior I sometimes exhibit as a result of my anxiety is a burden on the people closest to me. I am motivated to work hard in therapy for myself, of course, but I also think that wanting to be better for the people I love is as good a motivator as any.
When you're not feeling anxious (simply in your day-to-day life), what do you do for self care?
Routine is really important to me. Having a schedule, a predictable rhythm that makes me feel organized and settled - I find a safety in that that's very soothing. And despite what I said about my anxiety and athleticism when I was younger, exercise remains a key component of my anxiety management; I've worked hard to reframe my relationship to working out, because when that relationship is a healthy one, exercise is great at helping me maintain a sense of calm.
How do you feel about the portrayal of mental health and anxiety in Pop Culture (books, movies, music, etc)? Do you feel it's accurate?
There's no doubt that we've come a long way on this, but I still think that there's work to be done. It's a relatively narrow version of anxiety that's most often depicted - think of the whirling-camera panic attack - and the same can be said for many of its comorbid conditions, like OCD or EDs.
I understand that sometimes there is an impulse to communicate something in a way the audience will recognize or understand, and that TV especially can be challenging because it's a visual medium and mental health struggles are necessarily internal - but so much is possible when there's trust in both the creator and the audience.
What are some of your favorite examples of Pop Culture that gets anxiety and mental health right?
So many! Sorrow & Bliss made my heart explode. The anxiety in I Hate Suzie is omnipresent in a way that feels (1) contagious and (2) brutally accurate. Michaela Coel's I May Destroy You was a much-needed refresh on the trauma narrative.
All of these stories felt new to me - in tone or style or approach - and maybe that's what we need most of all in our depiction of mental health: a diverse array of characterization, so that anyone watching or reading might find the thing that makes them feel seen.
Editor’s Note: This interview was edited slightly for length and clarity.
Thank you so much, Emily! Your responses really hit home for me especially, as I have many similar manifestations of my anxiety. I really appreciate your honestly and openness in sharing.
You can pick up Emily’s books All Girls and Once More From the Top right now, wherever books are sold. I absolutely recommend them both!
If you are interested in being a part of the newsletter in the coming weeks and taking the I Am Anxious… questionnaire, please email me (scott.neumyer@gmail.com) and I’ll get you on the list. I’d love to have you!
Be well and keep talking.
DISCLAIMER: I am, by no means, a medical profession. If you need help, please seek qualified medical attention. This newsletter, while informative and fun, is no substitute for the real thing.
Spaghetti brain....now that's an image!