I Am Anxious... Jacquie Walters
The Emmy-nominated TV writer and author talks parental anxiety, postpartum depression and psychosis, and how she writes "to make people feel less alone in their human experience."
Jacquie Walters is an Emmy-nominated TV writer who has multiple projects in development, including a television adaptation of Melissa de la Cruz's bestselling series Blue Bloods. She has sold projects to AppleTV+, ABC network, Paramount+, iTV, and more. In all, she has written and produced over 100 episodes of television.
Her debut novel, Dearest, is available now from Mulholland Books/Little, Brown and is a horror/psychological thriller about postpartum depression and psychosis.
Jacquie graduated from the Stanford Novel Writing Certificate and is passionate about characters with everything to hide.
Dearest, my debut novel, is out now. It's a horror/psychological thriller about early motherhood, particularly postpartum depression, and psychosis. I was always that kid with a book in her hand, and it has long been a dream of mine to publish a novel. So it's a big deal, especially to the Little Jacquie inside!
You can find her on Instagram, TikTok, and on her website.
How long have you been an anxious person?
Anxiety didn't really set in for me until my early twenties. I moved to Los Angeles the moment I graduated college — at that time, it was to pursue a career in acting. I had always been an A-student (I'm a huge nerd), but I quickly realized that in the real world, you can put in A work and not get the A in return. It was frustrating, especially trying to break into a career that is so subjective and so out of your control. I hobbled together side jobs to make ends meet, and I can remember more than one time just sitting in my car in the parking garage of my apartment building and just... crying.
What is your earliest memory of being anxious?
I remember the moment I opened up to the idea of medication. I was in an early morning yoga class, and we all settled down for Sivasana (corpse pose, where you lie in stillness at the end of class). It's supposed to be this moment of pure bliss, and my stomach was a wreck. You would have thought I had to play Carnegie Hall that day. But no — there was no obvious stressor going on. I just had this constant background hum that had gotten particularly loud. I went home to my boyfriend (now husband) and cried. I finally admitted I might need some help — that maybe I couldn't tackle this all on my own.
Have you ever experienced a panic attack?
Yes. My first was after getting my ears pierced in high school, ha! I was so afraid of needles back then. But I put on a brave face and sat in the chair and honestly? It was so easy. Not bad at all. I was shocked and so proud of myself. When it was done, I stood up, and everything went black, I broke into a sweat, my heart started racing, my hearing was muffled. I had built up so much adrenaline that it released all at once right after. Since then, I haven't experienced anything quite that acute, but in my most anxious periods, I have twice gone into panic spirals of paranoia. (Over the most random things, of course)
What are some of your anxiety triggers? What makes you most anxious?
In this phase of life, it's definitely centered around my children. A nice afternoon trip to the playground? Oh geez. I see danger in every step. And not just scraped knees — more like graphic images of busted heads. It's awful.
How do you feel physically and emotionally when you’re anxious?
Anxiety definitely lives in my gut. In fact, I often realize I'm stressed because my body tells me I am long before my brain even registers it.
What do you do when you feel anxious? How do you take care of yourself in those situations? Do you have any anxiety management tips or tricks?
I will say, I am much improved these days. My kids still trigger a primal fear in me — I can't even imagine them getting hurt without going down a massive doom rabbit hole — but, in general, I am much less anxious these days. I did use medication for a period. To anyone resistant, I would just remind you that it's one tool in the toolbox. Use as needed and remember to always continue nurturing the other tools as well. My best medicine these days is exercise and meditation.
How do you feel your anxiety affects your family, friends, and overall social life?
It makes me so irritable! Every little thing becomes a trigger, and let's just say — that person is not always so fun to be around.
When you're not feeling anxious (simply in your day-to-day life), what do you do for self care?
Meditation, exercise (yoga and pilates), eat whole foods, and spend time with friends.
How do you feel about the portrayal of mental health and anxiety in Pop Culture (books, movies, music, etc)? Do you feel it's accurate?
I appreciate that it's more "out there." Still, I wrote Dearest as a way to bring postpartum depression and psychosis more into the conversation. While awareness has been heightened, I'm not convinced that resources and education have been. I went into childbirth knowing that I had a history of anxiety, that PPD or PPA may be a factor for me. My husband was in the know. He is the most supportive. We were both educated and yet… I still suffered. Imagine someone going in blind?!
I also am particularly fascinated by women who have experienced PPP (thankfully, that is not something I dealt with). For those who have acted on hormone-induced impulses and harmed their children, they are seen as villains in society. And, I get it: a mother hurting or killing her child is perhaps the most horrific thing we can imagine. But I couldn't help but think about these women... who would wake up in some hospital room, finally pulled out of their clinical psychosis, and be told what they had done. And, really, I can promise you — there is no greater punishment than living with that knowledge.
I read a quote from a psychologist who said that these women very rarely, if ever, believe they are harming their babies. They almost always believe they are saving them. It broke my heart. That's where the idea of Dearest came in. A way to use the horror genre to get inside those feelings.
What are some of your favorite examples of Pop Culture that gets anxiety and mental health right?
So many... off the top of my head: Normal People, The Only Good Indians, Good Neighbors, Madwoman, Strange Sally Diamond, None of This is True...
What is the best advice you've ever received?
"Don't save the good wine."
Is there anything else you would like to add?
I write to make people feel less alone in their human experience. That said, if you're not a mother yourself, I still hope that Dearest will deliver some good scares, a few hearty laughs, and maybe even a cathartic cry. Because honestly, that is motherhood in a nutshell — bouncing between horror and humor in a nanosecond.
Editor’s Note: This interview was edited slightly for length and clarity.
Thank you so much, Jacquie!
Jacquie’s television work is so ubiquitous that you’ve likely seen it many times without even realizing it. Her debut novel, Dearest, is a haunting and unique tale that I highly recommend you check out.
If you are interested in being a part of the newsletter in the coming weeks and taking the I Am Anxious… questionnaire, please email me (scott.neumyer@gmail.com) and I’ll get you on the list. I’d love to have you!
Be well and keep talking.
DISCLAIMER: I am, by no means, a medical profession. If you need help, please seek qualified medical attention. This newsletter, while informative and fun, is no substitute for the real thing.
Gotcha check out this book! What a coup. Brilliant interview.