I Am Anxious... Mona Susan Power
The PEN/Hemingway prize-winning writer discusses emergency room visits, living with Complex PTSD, and anxiety triggers.
Mona Susan Power is a Yanktonnai Dakota writer (enrolled member of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe, though born and raised in Chicago). Mona has had four works of fiction published so far, The Grass Dancer (which was awarded the PEN/Hemingway Prize), Roofwalker, Sacred Wilderness, and A Council of Dolls.
She has been fortunate to receive the support of several fellowships over the years, including a Radcliffe Bunting Institute Fellowship, Princeton Hodder Fellowship, United States Artists Fellowship, McKnight Fellowship, and Native Arts & Cultures Foundation Fellowship. Her short stories and essays have been published widely in journals and anthologies, and she is currently working on a couple of novels.
“My latest novel, A Council of Dolls, is profoundly special to me because it's inspired by some of the dynamics and experiences in my own family over three generations. The novel is definitely fiction, but informed by the challenges faced by myself, my mother, and grandmother.”
You can find Mona on Facebook and at www.monasusanpower.com.
How long have you been an anxious person?
Truly as long as I can remember, going back to pre-school years. After my father died in 1973, when I was eleven, I also developed depression which became severe in later years. I've also been diagnosed with Complex PTSD, which didn't develop as a result of one particularly violent experience, rather several episodes in childhood and the constant threat of more to come.
What is your earliest memory of being anxious?
I was probably around two years old and was bedded down in my father's old college trunk. I guess we didn't have a regular bed for me yet, and I was too old for a crib. Earlier, I'd eaten something that disagreed with me, and vomited. My mother cleaned me up and put me to bed. While I was lying there, trying to sleep, I vomited again. I must have called for Mom because she was suddenly there. She was very angry that I'd thrown up again, said that I was old enough to make it to the toilet if I had to vomit. Because I wasn't sure I'd be able to get there fast enough, after she returned to bed I crept into the bathroom and slept beside the toilet, just to be safe. I have a distinct memory of the cold tile floor, the uncomfortable situation. But more than anything, I felt so much shame for being such a big baby. I worried and worried that I'd be sick again. I hugged myself and eventually fell asleep.
Have you ever experienced a panic attack?
Have I ever!! One of the more memorable ones was on a flight to Denmark. I was in the middle of a European book tour (promoting the various foreign editions of my first book), and as I sat in my seat my pulse began racing, and I felt a tightness in my chest. I was convinced I was about to die from a heart attack (despite the fact that I was healthy, and in my early 30s). A Danish flight attendant brought me to a seat near the front of the plane, gave me oxygen through the mask, and held my hand. I assured him I wasn't afraid of flying, and didn't understand where this attack was coming from. Part of me already sensed that this was stress and not a true heart attack, since I'd been having these episodes on and off for many months. He was so lovely. I'll always appreciate his kindness.
Over the decades I've visited hospital emergency rooms specifically due to panic attacks about seven times in total. I've had many more attacks than this number suggests, but can usually find a means of calming myself (talking with a friend who understands this experience, meditating, guided tapping). I'm pushed to go to an E/R when I have new symptoms that make the present episode feel like the real thing — an actual heart event. One time the symptoms were so severe, and I looked so ill, the team really thought I was experiencing an actual heart attack. (I wasn't.)
What are some of your anxiety triggers? What makes you most anxious?
I have so many triggers. Frankly, each time I hear an unexpected loud noise, such as a slammed car door or a dog bark, my pulse begins to race, and it can take me a good 10-20 minutes to calm down. So, loud voices and noises are a trigger; mail from the IRS or MN Revenue (even when it turns out to be good news); someone trivializing or disbelieving an experience or reaction I've shared; the phone ringing at night; a sudden flood of communications coming in within a short period of time (even when they're positive, I feel overwhelmed); friends quite innocently asking about progress on a project when I'm not feeling great about it; packing to go on a trip; and of course someone being unpleasant to me, or threatening me.
How do you feel physically and emotionally when you’re anxious?
My heart begins racing, and I breathe heavily. If it's an emotional trigger, as opposed to a loud noise, then my hands shake uncontrollably. This can happen when I'm taken unawares by something, like a young man whizzing past me on his scooter the other day — so graceful, smooth, and fast, I didn't hear him coming up behind me. He passed within an inch of me and I screamed when he suddenly appeared. He kindly apologized, and I apologized in turn for being so easily triggered. It turned into a sweet encounter. But it still took me at least five minutes to calm down.
What do you do when you feel anxious? How do you take care of yourself in those situations? Do you have any anxiety management tips or tricks?
It depends on the trigger. If it's an emotional trigger (e.g., someone has said something to me that makes me feel judged, shamed, or completely misunderstood, or I'm being pressured to do something I'm incapable of doing), I have the shaking hands, pounding heart, and shouting mind. Everything in me is screaming: "DANGER!" In those cases, I'm learning to end communication with the triggering person (as politely as possible), and then walk up and down the rooms of my apartment, holding myself the way a loved one would if they were there with me.
There are times, though, when I have a panic/stress attack seemingly out of the blue, and I'm not sure what's setting it off. Those are the ones that often become more frightening — they're so physical. I begin to prepare myself for a possible Emergency Room visit (gather belongings, medical card, etc...). I make sure the phone is right beside me (I'm a landline person). Some of these attacks can last a couple of days, where I'm talking to friends, meditating, taking L-Theanine (which sometimes works), tapping with a friend, trying all kinds of potential remedies. I never know when or how it will end.
How do you feel your anxiety affects your family, friends, and overall social life?
Strangely, I don't feel my anxiety impacts loved ones because I'm usually alone with the episodes, so friends hear about it after the fact. When I was a kid, and tried to explain to my mother some of how I was feeling, as if I would fly apart with nerves and was scared I couldn't hold myself together, she would immediately cut me off. She would say I was being dramatic, or that I was just convincing myself of something that wasn't true. So I think my anxiety unnerved her enough for her to be in denial about it.
The mental health challenge that has impacted my relationships and social life infinitely more is depression, which has been debilitating some years, to the point where I could barely function, barely keep my little boat afloat (maintain an apartment, pay my bills, etc...). I always squeaked by, but I spent years hiding from the world as much as possible, which meant canceling a lot of social arrangements with dear ones. I was suicidal for thirty years, from 1973-2003 — pretty much since my father died when I was eleven. He was the parent who was more like me, emotionally. I think I knew he loved me unconditionally. He didn't make me feel judged. When he was gone, it was pretty traumatic.
Also, my Complex PTSD has impacted relationships because when I'm triggered, I can say/write things to people that are extreme — very angry, very judgmental. I'm finally learning to handle "triggers" more effectively, but it has taken a lot of work!
When you're not feeling anxious (simply in your day-to-day life), what do you do for self care?
I just go about my business, trying to make up for lost time. I guess I don't really have a regimen of care when I'm doing well.
What is the best advice you've ever received?
Years ago, about 1989, I was watching a talk show where a therapist made the comment: "Shame never creates meaningful change." I wrote those words in all caps as a banner at the top of the page in my private journal. I have never forgotten those words which I held onto during decades where I continued to be a dumping ground for another person's shame.
Editor’s Note: This interview was edited slightly for length and clarity.
Thank you, Mona, for sharing so much. I highly recommend all of Mona’s work, but A Council of Dolls is an absolute must read.
If you are interested in being a part of the newsletter in the coming weeks and taking the I Am Anxious… questionnaire, please email me (scott.neumyer@gmail.com) and I’ll get you on the list. I’d love to have you!
Be well and keep talking.
DISCLAIMER: I am, by no means, a medical profession. If you need help, please seek qualified medical attention. This newsletter, while informative and fun, is no substitute for the real thing.
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