I Am Anxious... Rachael Faith
The marketing manager, gamer, and copious cookie maker talks panic attacks, learning to manage her anxiety, BoJack Horseman, and more.
Rachael Faith is a 30-something from New Jersey who is currently a product marketing manager at a publishing company. She spends her copious free time tending her assembly of plants, playing video games, and occasionally baking thousands of cookies.
You can find her on Instagram here and here.
How long have you been an anxious person?
I've probably been anxious since I was a child, but I didn't put a name or diagnosis to it until I was 16.
What is your earliest memory of being anxious?
I was a 'high performer' from a young age, which meant there were big expectations of me. I was probably about 7 or 8 when I started being conscious that there were stakes around my grades and test scores, and that anything less than perfection meant consequences. Even though I loved school, I was hyper-aware and anxious about any missteps.
Have you ever experienced a panic attack?
Yes. I was in my senior year of high school when I started having 'episodes'. To me, it felt like impending doom, nausea, dizziness — like I was being swallowed by the earth until I changed my surroundings — then it would dissipate. A teacher I was close to identified that they might be panic attacks, and that's how I ended up getting help.
(Fun anxiety fact: I know Scott from way back when and he ended up talking to me about his own anxiety experiences because I was super clueless about what I was feeling.)
I was eventually diagnosed with panic disorder and agoraphobia. After years of treatment and practice, I rarely get to the point of having actual panic attacks anymore, but anyone who's had a panic attack can tell you that the anxiety becomes about the possibility of having an attack, because they're so awful.
What are some of your anxiety triggers? What makes you most anxious?
My anxiety is almost solely about control, so what makes me most anxious is being out of control. That could be about unexpected plan changes, being on public transit, being unable to leave a place easily due to huge crowds. My personal hell is being delayed and stuck on a sweltering, packed summer subway train (that's happened!). I really wish I could teleport — I love going to events and traveling, but being able to exit that discomfort instantly would be freeing.
[Editor’s Note: I, too, have always said that teleportation would be the one superpower I’d want to have, for these very same reasons!]
How do you feel physically and emotionally when you’re anxious?
I get tunnel vision, my skin feels hot and clammy, my heart races and skips, and I experience dissociation. One time I was having a full-blown panic attack prior to a flight, and I confided in the person I was flying with. They said, "I had no idea, you look so serene right now," which I always thought was hilarious. I do a really good job of 'containing' that anxiety because the last thing I want is for other people to notice anything.
What do you do when you feel anxious? How do you take care of yourself in those situations? Do you have any anxiety management tips or tricks?
I practice different deep breathing techniques, like pursed-lip breathing and box breathing with long exhales. I sometimes use grounding techniques like running cold water over my wrists, looking around my environment, and reminding myself that I'm safe and just feeling some feelings. It's mostly about getting myself out of my own head.
How do you feel your anxiety affects your family, friends, and overall social life?
In the past, when it was unmanaged, I missed major social events, asked a lot of my support circle (going to appointments, help with tasks like shopping), avoided travel with partners and friends. I even lived on my mom's couch for a while because I couldn't leave the house or manage on my own. Luckily, I consider my anxiety managed nowadays. I still make small allowances for it, like selecting aisle seats for concerts or plays. Occasionally, I'll have a tough anxiety day and I'll talk to supportive folks about it. But on the whole, it's much more self-managed.
When you're not feeling anxious (simply in your day-to-day life), what do you do for self care?
I make sure to set boundaries between work and self, and others and self — both time and effort boundaries, since I easily blur those and overextend myself. I love a good mental health walk in the afternoon, and I see a therapist (that's self-care, right?!). I really like time outside in natural surroundings, even if it's just sitting on a bench in the sun for 15 minutes or driving to the beach for an afternoon.
How do you feel about the portrayal of mental health and anxiety in Pop Culture (books, movies, music, etc)? Do you feel it's accurate?
I think it's improving, both the sheer existence of mental health in media, and better portrayals of it. Getting away from stereotypes and tropes (e.g. PTSD only manifests with veterans and fireworks, depression is a person looking visibly sad on a couch) and increasing representation is what's needed most.
What are some of your favorite examples of Pop Culture that gets anxiety and mental health right?
I'll always recommend BoJack Horseman. I May Destroy You is deeply affecting and complex, and IMO it's a must-watch. I really love Eighth Grade (Bo Burnham is great at writing uncomfortable, realistic social anxiety) and I would have to throw Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on the list too.
Is there anything else you would like to add?
Thanks to the Anxious Dude himself for keeping the conversation going on mental health.
Editor’s Note: This interview was edited slightly for length and clarity.
Thank you, Rachael! I appreciate your honesty and openness so much! So much of what you describe resonates with me, and I’m thankful that I was able to be helpful for you navigating your anxiety as well.
One of my favorite holiday traditions has become gawking over the incredible amount of cookies that Rachael bakes every year as she posts about the process on her Instagram. They all look so delicious!
Thanks again, Rachael!
If you are interested in being a part of the newsletter in the coming weeks and taking the I Am Anxious… questionnaire, please email me (scott.neumyer@gmail.com) and I’ll get you on the list! I’d love to have you.
Be well and keep talking.
DISCLAIMER: I am, by no means, a medical profession. If you need help, please seek qualified medical attention. This newsletter, while informative and fun, is no substitute for the real thing.
There’s definitely something about baking as a form of anxiety therapy. 1000 cookies though?? Hopefully Rachael has a giant oven!
And Bojack would be my answer as well to question which TV show captures anxiety/depression most effectively.
Crazy Ex-girlfriend is excellent. I don't have a borderline diagnosis, but I related to a lot of the show.