I Am Anxious... Sarah Allen
The award-winning poet and author talks living with Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, anxiety as a paralytic, and representing mental health in her work.
Sarah Allen is a poet and author of books for young readers. Her first book, What Stars Are Made Of, was an ALA Notable Book of 2020 and Whitney Award Winner, and her second, Breathing Underwater, was a Jr. Library Guild Selection for 2021. Born and raised in Utah, she received an MFA in creative writing from Brigham Young University, and now lives in the midwest. She spends her non-writing time watching David Attenborough documentaries and singing show-tunes too loudly, and she’s a lover of leather jackets, grizzly bears, and Colin Firth.
Her upcoming middle grade book The Nightmare House arrives in stores August 8, 2023.
“This one is a spooky haunted house story about a girl whose nightmares start coming to life and the way she finds the courage to confront them. It's basically an allegory for living with anxiety. This book was so much fun and so absolutely cathartic to write. It felt like exorcising a lot of my own anxiety demons, or at least shining a light on them.”
You can find her on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, Substack, and on her website.
How long have you been an anxious person?
You know, that's a very interesting question. It's definitely been something I've become more aware of as an adult.
When I was 14, I was diagnosed with Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, which comes with a hefty helping of anxiety. They asked me and my mom if I felt like I needed any special accommodations, and I genuinely didn't. The reason for that, though, I think, is because at that point the circumstances in which I could thrive were already in place. For this, I credit my mom and my school. Things were very stable and secure at home, and I went to a very small private school where the teachers already knew me well and knew how to work with me. I feel very, very lucky that I wasn't forced to confront some of those major anxiety triggers until later, like in college and particularly right after college.
What is your earliest memory of being anxious?
In addition to being highly anxious, I am also a highly enthusiastic and optimistic person. What I think this usually means, though, is that I'm particularly bad at knowing what's going to be a major anxiety trigger situation until I actually get there. There are certain situations that a brain with NLD just really struggles to handle, and I've learned through experience what those situations are. I've gotten a lot better at understanding that than I was in the beginning, although I'm still learning.
An early example of what I'm talking about is when I moved away right after college. I went to college in my hometown, mere blocks from where my parents were, so I hadn't really done the whole move away from home thing yet. It genuinely didn't even cross my mind that that was going to be a difficult, highly anxious situation. I took a job in a different state, and it wasn't until I got there that everything sort of came crashing down. It was like suddenly confronting all the anxiety things, and all the things that NLD struggles with all at once. I think that was my first real big experience of realizing how thoughtful and deliberate I needed to be about the way I worked with my particular brain.
Have you ever experienced a panic attack?
Yes. Tightness in the chest, hyperventilation, shaking, and tight muscles. I feel very lucky to have the understanding and resourceful people I have in my life.
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What are some of your anxiety triggers? What makes you most anxious?
With Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, one of the most difficult things to deal with is lack of structure or clarity of expectation. So being a student is often not a problem, right? Because usually you know exactly what is expected of you—read these pages, do these worksheets, write this many words on this particular subject.
So this particular anxiety has most often cropped up in work situations. I've had to leave multiple jobs when things were too open-ended. And this wasn't anybody's fault. Many jobs are intended to be open-ended, where someone with ideas and a vision can come in and make it their own, but nothing paralyzes me more.
I've gotten much better at understanding what types of jobs my brain works best with, and figuring out how to ask the right questions to get the clarity I need.
How do you feel physically and emotionally when you’re anxious?
To me, anxiety is a paralytic. I sit there frozen, hyperventilating, muscles clenched, not able to focus on anything or even have a clear thought. There's a sense of urgency—I must solve this problem right now. And when the anxiety comes from something that can't immediately be solved, as it most often does, that period of paralyzing anxiety sometimes just has to run its course until my body can kind of get control of itself again and I can start to plan. Once I can start making a plan, I can breathe a little easier again.
What do you do when you feel anxious? How do you take care of yourself in those situations? Do you have any anxiety management tips or tricks?
The most helpful thing for me is and has always been talking to people. This most often means my parents and trusted friends. My mom was the one who saw the signs for NLD when I was a kid and was there with me when I got tested and read all the research, so she knows just as much about my particular anxiety and what my brain handles well and handles poorly as I do. She's the one to usually help me see and understand what's going on, and tell me I don't need to feel ashamed or badly about it. Then she and trusted friends help me plan and strategize. Usually it’s a situational thing that has brought on the panic and anxiety, and they will help me see my way around it.
When you're not feeling anxious (simply in your day-to-day life), what do you do for self care?
Honestly? Movies and TV. I hope that doesn't sound flippant or lazy to anyone because I genuinely mean it. Often my brain feels like a spinning top that's just constantly going. Even sleep isn't often particularly restful for me—hooray insomnia! So at the end of the day, when I really need to decompress, a comfort movie or show helps rest my brain more than anything else, and I'm sure many people can relate!
I think this is also why I'm a writer—story, whether from movies or books or television, helps me frame my life and experience in a way that my anxious mind can wrap itself around.
How do you feel about the portrayal of mental health and anxiety in Pop Culture (books, movies, music, etc)? Do you feel it's accurate?
My territory is children's literature, and I have to say, there are some truly spectacular children's books dealing with anxiety and mental health. Especially in recent years, I think mental health representation in children's literature has become a real focus, and led to some of the most incredible mental health representation out there.
What are some of your favorite examples of Pop Culture that gets anxiety and mental health right?
For amazing mental health representation in children's books, check out writers like Cindy Baldwin, Amanda Rawson Hill, Stacy McAnulty, Ellie Terry, Neal Shusterman, Erin Entrada Kelly, and Tae Keller.
What is the best advice you've ever received?
Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end!
Editor’s Note: This interview was edited slightly for length and clarity.
Thank you, Sarah, for sharing! Excellent advice and so many great recommendations for additional reading in the mental health space. I cannot wait to read The Nightmare House in August! Thank you!
If you are interested in being a part of the newsletter in the coming weeks and taking the I Am Anxious… questionnaire, please email me (scott.neumyer@gmail.com) and I’ll get you on the list! I’d love to have you.
Be well and keep talking.
DISCLAIMER: I am, by no means, a medical profession. If you need help, please seek qualified medical attention. This newsletter, while informative and fun, is no substitute for the real thing.