I Am Anxious... Susannah Breslin
The journalist and author discusses being a lifelong worrier, her first panic attack, the benefits of exercise, and going at her own pace.
Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and the author of Data Baby: My Life in a Psychological Experiment.
My memoir Data Baby came out last November. It's about the 30 years I spent as a research subject in a longitudinal study of personality that sought to predict who me and over 100 other Berkeley kids would grow up to be.
You can find her on Instagram, Twitter, Substack, and on her website.
How long have you been an anxious person?
I feel like I've always been an anxious person. For as long as I can remember, I've been a worrier. I worry about getting sick, dying, being run over, failing, what other people think of me, why I worry so much, what the consequences are of worrying so much, what people would think of me if they knew how much I worry, if worrying means I am crazy.
What is your earliest memory of being anxious?
I'm not sure. I think my clearer memories are of being depressed. After my father left my mother when I was around 10, I wouldn't get out of bed or bathe or get dressed. I didn't brush my hair, so there was this giant rat's nest in the back that my mother had to cut out with a pair of scissors. She took me to the doctor who I think decided there was nothing wrong with me, which seemed to relieve my mother, who wasn't super interested in tending to my emotional needs, which is probably why I have anxiety and depression to this day.
Have you ever experienced a panic attack?
Yes. The first panic attack I had was in, I think, 1996 and not long after my father died suddenly from a heart attack when he was 60. It was maybe a Friday or Saturday night, and I was living in a studio apartment in Oakland, California. I think I had ants or something, and I put out these traps, and then I touched one, and then I got this idea I was poisoned, and then WHOOSH, it just hit me. I'd never had an anxiety attack before, so I didn't know what was happening, and I thought I was dying. I was with my friend, and we called 911, and the firemen came, and they deduced I was just having a panic attack. That was embarrassing, and I started taking anxiety medication as needed after that.
What are some of your anxiety triggers? What makes you most anxious?
Being alive. Waking up. Money. Driving on the freeway. Heights. Eating some weird random food. Being on TV or doing interviews. Talking about my book. What makes me most anxious is when I get anxious and then ruminate over the anxiety and then don't move. I think my shrink says something like physical activity and anxiety are incompatible, and so lately I have been exercising more, and that is really helpful.
How do you feel physically and emotionally when you’re anxious?
My throat constricts. My brain goes in a million different directions at once. My heart beats fast. I feel like I can't breathe. I wonder if I'm going to die. I feel like my skull is opening up and my brain is trying to escape and I'm on a kind of emotional merry-go-round.
What do you do when you feel anxious? How do you take care of yourself in those situations? Do you have any anxiety management tips or tricks?
Well, I was taking anti-anxiety medication, but I haven't in a while because I'm not sure it solves the problem but only throws a blanket over it. Instead I've been taking a supplement called Pharma GABA that chills me the fuck out. Walking for 30 minutes every day is insanely beneficial. I try and meditate for even a short period of time before I get up in the morning, but that doesn't always happen. People should do what works for them.
How do you feel your anxiety affects your family, friends, and overall social life?
Mental health stuff plus the pandemic plus being an introvert plus having spent the last few years writing a book means I spend a lot of time by myself. I go out and do stuff, but I usually plan it in advance. I like doing stuff like seeing art and eating at fun places and doing stuff like that alone mostly since I can go at my own pace and not be overwhelmed.
When you're not feeling anxious (simply in your day-to-day life), what do you do for self care?
Pilates. Watch movies. Talk to friends.
How do you feel about the portrayal of mental health and anxiety in Pop Culture (books, movies, music, etc)? Do you feel it's accurate?
I guess I feel like there's supposed to be this three act narrative around mental health. 1) I was fine. 2) Then something bad happened and I was not fine. 3) And then I figured out how to fix it and now I am fine. Maybe life is more like the eternal return, the same story told over and over again. Because of things that have happened to me — from breast cancer to Hurricane Katrina to bad relationships to my ice floe mother to being a human lab rat to struggling to make it on my own — I am not normal. I will never be. And that is okay.
What are some of your favorite examples of Pop Culture that gets anxiety and mental health right?
Black Swan is a good depiction of what it feels like to go crazy. Solaris is a good rendering of what it feels like to be trapped. Silver Linings Playbook is a good movie about being a nut.
What is the best advice you've ever received?
Get messy. That's from my yoga teacher, Jeanne Heileman:
I've got to get back to doing yoga! That helps me, as well.
Is there anything else you would like to add?
Stop looking for the perfect answer and just be a high-functioning disaster.
Editor’s Note: This interview was edited slightly for length and clarity.
Thank you so much, Susannah!
You can read Susannah’s memoir Data Baby: My Life in a Psychological Experiment right now. I highly recommend it.
If you are interested in being a part of the newsletter in the coming weeks and taking the I Am Anxious… questionnaire, please email me (scott.neumyer@gmail.com) and I’ll get you on the list. I’d love to have you!
Be well and keep talking.
DISCLAIMER: I am, by no means, a medical profession. If you need help, please seek qualified medical attention. This newsletter, while informative and fun, is no substitute for the real thing.
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“I think my shrink says something like physical activity and anxiety are incompatible, and so lately I have been exercising more, and that is really helpful.” - YES 🙌 Your therapist is absolutely right and I love the way they articulated that statement using the word ‘incompatible’.
There will be multiple articles I’m writing about this exact subject, and I aim to have all the articles build on one another and compliment each other in strategic ways. Many people who experience (in particular) excess anxiety/depression, always report of feeling the benefits immediately upon exercising ... and there are very real reasons as to why this is. This is not some coincidence or general phenomena.
So one of my biggest goals is to help reveal the fascinating reasons as to why we experience such a shift in our mental health (i.e. the science). And as a big ‘why’ person myself, I hope this extra helps my other ‘why’ people.
Anyhow, good on you for embarking on exercise!!! Keep it up! 🏃♀️
“Eating some random weird food”...I have not heard that stated before and I have had panic with that, too. If I think I ate something bad, for instance, I’ll imagine the salmonella forming or the other horrible things that can happen and I can’t stop. Thank you for identifying that one. 😊